THE BENCHES

  The Benches   Or as Woodford Dave, who must have been a teaboy at the Grauniad during an early part of his life, might have said: “ The Breaches”.  Enough of levity. We are nearly there.    We now come to “ les Remplacements” . By the way when I said  that a French player was a legend in his own “ Dejeuner” yesterday, you might want to render that “  L’heure du dejeuner”. I don't want our readers, if any, to think of TC up to his neck in Cassoulet Toulousain.      

“  We now come to something that has become an integral part of our great game that least at the level we are dealing with. I do not recall whether there were replacements in the old black-and-white  TV days. But there are in my selection. Otherwise you could have a situation where, for instance, one of the oppositions forwards had a leg or two ripped off and was required, nonetheless to struggle on. Like something out of Monty Python's Holy Grail. And I didn't select Geoff Wheel.

THE OPPOSITION BENCH

16. Brian Moore.

Everytime I glance at the Torygraph, my fellow lawyer is banging on about us and the salary cap. He goes on to say that we shouldn't still be banging on about the salary cap. So why doesn't he just shut the xx up about it. All he ever does is damn us with faint praise. He just wants someone to sue him. But I can think of a better way of sorting out and he's playing at number seven for us. No contest. Anyway, that's why this character gets in, as opposed to Bobby Windsor.

17. Charlie Faulkner.

Because two thirds of the Pontypool front row, with a nod to the third above will have to do.

18.  Max Boyce.

No scrub that, that isn't right. He might put our lot off by singing one of his god-awful songs. New words to  “ Do you hear the people sing “………. Anyone. On second thoughts let's leave him in. We don't have to bring him on.

19.Geoff Wheel

I wouldn't dare leave him out. He's the only person I ever saw intimidate, Wade Dooley. For that reason alone  he is worth his place. And in his time his  being, the  Alpha male in the lineout pecking order with something to admire. It still is in my eyes

20.  Jean Pierre Rives.

Prince of flankers. With a skill set 10 years ahead of its time ( what a good phrase. I'm really pleased I thought of that). One of the first open sides I can recall to spend an entire match exactly 1 m away from the ball. He would have a tussle Royal with our blokes.

21. Phil Bennett

Enough said. They said the production line produced first John and then immediately after or so it seemed from afar, him would never be closed down. And you know what there is still the odd decent Welsh fly half knocking around. But there have not been too many Phil Bennetts.

22. Serge Blanco.

Another one years ahead of his time playing on the right wing in his first international, and scoring on the left. Absolutely revolutionary in his day. And who will ever forget the movie initiated at Twickenham in his last game in Carling's in era, which went through several hands from behind the post to under the posts  finished off by   St Andre. A class act.

Now, I turn our bench. These chaps will be more used to spending 20 minutes or two minutes, finishing off a game and it's also convenient way for me to choose seven other players it was very difficult for me to leave out of the original selection

THE SARACENS BENCH

16. Jamie George

But not for much longer. Will be our starting hooker in the real world very soon

17. Roberto Grau.

Top-class prop in the late 90s. Hard as they come.

18. Petrus du Plessis.

He has been an absolute revelation over the last couple of years or so. Long may it continue.

19. Steve Borthwick

Would have been a shoo-in until this year, but now though relegated to the French is no less honoured. The sight of him standing on the posts clearing at that weakling of a referee after we would been robbed of the premiership a couple of years ago, is one that will stay with me forever. Not a nice way to end a fabulous career. But seems to be making a decent fist of it as an assistant coach to Eddie Jones also late of this parish

20. Kyran Bracken

Immensely talented. First, scrum-half I saw regularly in a Sarries shirt 20 years ago. His career was disrupted by injury and I'm sure that if it stayed injury free, he would have been England starting scrum-half, not least in the World Cup final in 2003. As it is, he narrowly missed out in my selection to Wiggy. But surely is worth 20 minutes at the end of this fantasy game.

21. Owen Farrell

He just gets better and better. After playing with the Lions he returned able to do a hanging all kick off. And choke tackle. Must've been Jonny Sexton's influence, but it showed his willingness to learn. And he seems to have got 2 yards faster last year. And he's still very young. What a player. He has his detractors, but they are all wrong. We are privileged to have our own fly of production line of sorts, to go from Glenn, to Charlie, and now Owen.

22. Gavin Johnson.

I thought he was a class act at full-back for us. And I hope he wouldn't mind if we ask him to cover wing. And the centres. The site of this huge lanky athlete gathering the ball and thundering into the line certainly struck fear into London Scottish in the away game many years ago. Even though they were less fearful when they came to Vicarage Road.

I hope that you enjoy this little fantasy selection. And that we all enjoy another season of success next year. And that they get some bloody double winning badges, hats, T-shirts, mugs, you name it in the shop very soon 

Good night to all my readers.”

Here endeth  the lesson