Harley Is Ready For The New Season

By Harley Quin
August 24 2006

It's getting close, I can almost smell the start of the new season. My hands are starting to sweat and my feet are beginning to itch. It's no good rugby is playing havoc with my senses (and glands): I assume it is the rugby! Still before I get too excited I've still got a few moans left in me.

Radio Five Live was discussing contenders for "Sports Personality of the Year" the other day and they mentioned Andy Murray. Excuse me, but isn't this a competition for someone with personality? If anyone wants Murray to be put forward I suggest we ask Gary Lineker to front a new show called "Revolting and Obnoxious Sports Brat of the Year Who Has a Pushy Mother Too Full of Herself". Trouble is the new title won't fit neatly on to a BBC logo so it looks as though we're stuck with "Sports Personality of the Year"!

Murray has the potential to be a top British sports star in whom we can be proud, however his ranting and raving and general behaviour is so boorish that it's impossible to support him. It doesn't help having a horse's mouth. My hope is he reaches the top very soon because then we can do what we always do with our stars: enjoy watching the press destroy him.

I know a lot of you despise football but it would take a strange individual not to have taken some enjoyment from hearing that Coutts FC, sometimes masquerading as Chelsea, were beaten by the Boro' on Wednesday night. The Chosen One beaten by a team with a manager who's not really a manager because he doesn't have the necessary qualifications - brilliant. I can only assume that Sports Ed is on holiday and nowhere near a computer because he's not been on the ERE Board crowing about his lads - and fair play too.

I used to be a great fan of athletics but who can take this "sport" seriously given the latest drug revelations. Given that so many athletes get away with taking drugs long enough to win medals and the adulation of many and are only spotted if they let down their guard I think we should change the rules. Why not introduce a break away "Packeresque" athletics league where you have to take dope to take part? Just as the runners are being introduced at the start of each race the announcer could abandon any comment about season's best and PBs and instead run through their daily prescription regime. So what they have strange shaped lumps growing on their backs or the women run in the summer and work in a circus as a bearded lady in the winter, at least you know what you are getting - cheats.

So after quitting international rugby to spend more time with his family Jason Robinson has changed his mind. He says he could be tempted back. So what has changed his mind? Missing the changing room antics, tours to the other side of the world or stepping out on to the lush turf at Twickenham? No, of course not, he's found out what all fathers who have to spend too long at home all know - the kids are driving him nuts! Nappies, finger painting, "Pick me up Daddy" forever ringing in his ears. Organising birthday parties and being force fed half chewed fish fingers covered in ketchup - aggh! Suddenly getting knocked half senseless by a psycho Kiwi never sounded so attractive.

and finally... Whilst watching Inzamam orchestrating the cricketing farce last week-end the words of my old sparring partner, William Shakespeare, came to mind about protesting too much. Shame to see such a wonderful cricketer reduced to this.