Celebrity Match Report - Chris Tarrant

"Hats on wheels?"
By Maverick
March 19 2003

Once again that cheeky chappy Maverick has come up with a celebrity match report. This week the site touted in the county's premier newspaper as 'irreverent' is proud to present the story of Saints v Bath in the style of 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'

(ad break ends, swirling music, the camera pans to Chris Tarrant…)

Chris Tarrant : Welcome Back! Before the break we saw Wayne Smith of Northampton successfully reach £16,000! He’s used none of his life-lines and is looking good. Surprisingly, all his questions so far have related to Northampton Saints match against relegation threatened Bath last weekend. No problems, so far, how you feeling, Wayne?
Wayne Smith : I’m good, mate
CT: O.K, your coach Brendan Radcliffe is up there in the audience (camera pans to Rats looking nervous), are you ready to try the next question?
WS: Let’s do it Chris. Kia Kaha!
CT: What?
WS: Nothing, let’s just do it, I’ve got training in 12 hours

CT. Question 10 - for £32,000, – Who scored the first points in the match – Larry Grayson, Paul Grayson, Dick Grayson or David Grey’s Son?
WS: It’s Larry, Chris
CT: Sure?
WS: Sure
CT: You’ve won 32 thousand pounds!!
CT: You O.K?
WS: I’m O.K
CT: Right then, next question, for £64,000, you might as well play – Which Bath player made a woeful attempt at a drop goal in the early minutes of the game – My Cat, Me Mum’s Cat, Cat Deeley or Cat ‘O Nine Tails?
WS: I know that Chris, it’s My Cat
CT: Final answer?
WS: Yup
CT: You’ve won SIXTY FOUR THOUSAND POUNDS!
CT: Going well, Wayne, still all your lifelines intact, let’s move on. I could give you a cheque for £64,000 here and now, you wanna play?
WS: Yup, I’ll play, Chris
CT: For £125,000 – Who is the England’s coach who watched the game on Saturday – Edward Woodward, Clive of India, Clive Woodward or Mr Woodentop?

(Wayne ponders the question…)
CT: Any thoughts?
WS: Yeah mate, I think I know
CT: Take your time, this is for £125,000
WS: It’s Mr Woodentop, Chris.
CT: Sure?
WS: Sure, Chris
(long pause)
CT: If you’d said “C” Clive Woodward, you’d have been wrong! You’ve won ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE Thousand Pounds!!

(camera pans to crowd who are clapping enthusiastically)
CT: Wayne, you’ve got 125 grand, the next question is worth a cool quarter of a million. You wanna play?
WS: I’ll play, Chris.
CT: Question 13 out of a possible 15, for £250,000 – Who refereed the game – Mr Magoo, Officer Dibble, Roy Maybank or Eddie Waring?

(Wayne sits quietly in the chair)
CT: You got an idea?
WS: Yeah, an idea, Chris, can I phone a friend?
CT: Who are you going to phone?
WS: Steve Lander, Chris
CT: Does Steve know his refs, Wayne?
WS: He thinks he IS the Ref, mate

(Chris goes throrugh the dialling rigmarole and gets through to Steve Lander, explains the rules and hands over to Wayne….)
WS: So, Steve, is it, A: Mr Magoo, B: Officer Dibble, C: Roy Maybank or, D: Eddie Waring?
Steve Lander: It’s ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!Where’s the camera? I was there, have you got my good side? PING! Offside, watch the back foot, guys! Don’t you think I look good? PING! Sorry, I don’t know what’s going on but I like the sound! PING! What was the quest……(the line goes dead…)
CT: (frowning) Did that help, Wayne?
WS: (sighing) ‘bout as much as usual, Chris…
CT: I need an answer….
WS: It’s “A”, Chris, Mr Magoo
CT: Final answer?
WS: Final answer
(even longer pause……………………)
CT: IS THE RIGHT ANSWER! YOU HAVE WON £250,000!!!

CT: You still O.K, Wayne?
WS: (deep breath) I’m good, Chris
CT: You going to play?
WS: I’ll play
CT: Half a million’s a lot of money, we’re talking serious money here
WS: Hey, Tarrant, that’s your weekly pay packet, we spend our time abiding by the rules and keeping under a strict salary cap…..yeah?

CT: (flustered) For £500,000, question 14 – What happened to Mark Conners’ scrum cap, was it – All Around My Hat, Hat in Pieces, Hats on Wheels or Hattie Jaques?
WS: I’ll ask the audience, Chris
CT: O.K AUDIENCE! Let’s help Wayne here, use your keypads A,B,C or D I really wanna see those Fingers! (sorry, wrong show)

(the audience votes)
CT: Hmmm, a difference of opinion A 2% B 81% C 1% D 16% - Wayne, take your time
WS: It’s “C” Chris “Hats on Wheels”.
CT: Why do you think that?
WS: It’s one of those daft sayings that you get on the COYSDC website and it’s stuck in my mind.
CT: A website eh? Hehehehe (CT’s trademark chuckle)
WS: (frowning) it’s not that sort of site, Chris.
CT: Final answer?
WS: Look, will you get on with it?
CT: (agitated) errr, O.K….Hats on Wheels….is the RIGHT answer!!!!

CT: Hehehehehe I’m getting very excited. Wayne, you are one question away from ONE MILLION pounds. You wanna play?
WS: I ALWAYS play, Chris
CT: For ONE MILLION POUNDS……Who will win the Powergen Cup Final? A: Glaws B: Tigs C: Saints D: Oirish
(Wayne sits back reflectively in his chair…)
WS: I’ve still got 50/50?
CT: Yep, you wanna use it?
WS: I might as well, Chris…
CT: COMPUTER! Take away two incorrect answers, leaving the right answer and one incorrect answer…
(the computer screen changes)
CT: Wayne, it’s either A: Glaws or C: Saints
WS: It’s “C”, Chris, Saints!
CT: Is that your FINAL answer?
WS: It is Chris
CT: Sure?
WS: KIA KAHA, I’M VERY SURE!!
CT: For One Million Pounds, who will win the Powergen Cup……

(EXTREMELY LOUD SIREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

CT: We’ve run out of time!! Catch us next time on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” when we will find out if Wayne Smith from Northampton has won ONE MILLION POUNDS and a trip into Europe…

(theme music starts, the camera pans out across the audience…fades to black…)