The Full Monty - Part One - Bath (A)

M. Masters Esq
By Mr Montague Masters
February 3 2006

In September 2005 coysdc welcomed a new match reporter to the site. Archived for posterity, this is the first in our news series - The Full Monty.

Montague Masters first appeared on comeonyousaints.com in September 2005 when he reported on Saints victory over Bath down at the Wreck. Written in his own inimitable style, this what Monty had to say on the first league victory of the season...

 

BATH RUGBY 9 - 17 NORTHAMPTON SAINTS

 

On a day when 1000 mm of rain fell in the most picturesque city known to man, carved by the Romans completed by the Edwardians, the miniscule forwards of Northampton escaped with their lives against the gargantuan monsters of Bath.

Only 2 saints fans made the journey and they were resplendent with their rendition of the only song they knew. Thankfully this was 'Oh Wendy'. The rest of the so called supporters stayed home, frightened of the open stands, cannibal pack and opportunities for shopping listened in on radio Noddy where the accuracy rate rose sharply by 400% on last week with three correct comments. Unfortunately Mr Bert Haddon of St. James had one of his funny turns after Mr Burridge described the Saints change strip as 'yellow' (fear not, there'll be a petition.) (he also said away kit)

During the match the Saints significantly improved their penalty count only giving 93 kickable chances to the West Country men. Disastrously Olly and Molly had put their boots on the wrong feet meaning old ladies in the many fine tea shops had to dive under the table for cover. Much clotted cream has been spilled on this day! The Bath coaches have apparently already been spotted in Homebase (Bath does not have a B&Q sir,) buying stick on R and L letters.

Spruce Bruce had a much finer day with a 101% kicking record.

That yellow colour reared its head again. First Finau the winger who is as heavy as the combined the combined weight of the Northampton pack was very naughty. Soon after Dan Brown jumped out of a helicopter with only a tarpaulin to break his fall, deciphered a Michelangelo code and then was sin binned for excessive far fetchedness. Finally the shock of the day. Grewcock, the fine upstanding Coventryonian was once again misunderstood whilst demonstrating his unrivalled tap dancing prowess. The poor chap always seems to get spotted at the centre of trouble and must wonder what on earth he has to do to last 80 minutes.

The only try of the match from Seamus Mallon was a peach. Or rather it wasn't because that's soft fruit and a rather odd expression. Bath were attacking and lost the ball in Northampton's in goal. Mallon began paddling furiously and kayacked into the Bath 22. The resulting tackle caused a wave that allowed him to surf home from 80 yards.

Both Saints fans jumped and cheered vigorously whilst the home faithfull were left to contemplate game pie and a glass of sherry with heavy hearts.

In the post match interview Anthony Pountney praised the midweek training sessions held in Bedford with Paula Radcliffe.

 

In part two, Monty reflects on the Falcons visit to FG....