The Rugby Disciplinary Panel in Action
Posted by: La Guepe (IP Logged)
Date: 10 September, 2020 23:23

[We enter the scene after the Panel has reviewed the evidence of the tackle by Mr Often Foulplay of Fezzymen RFC on his opposite number from Wasps.]

Mr Robin Fatfee QC (for Mr Foulplay):

Mr Chairman, thank you for giving me the opportunity to address the Panel on the matter of mitigation.

May I first consider the question of the previous record of Mr Foulplay. His record is exemplary. It’s true that he has received a ban of 2 weeks for a tackle on a player from Wasps rugby team (aside to Junior Counsel, Mr Page-Turner: “shouldn’t really call it a tackle, of course, since it bore no resemblance to any permitted method of stopping an opposing player, but never mind”). However, that was all of four years ago, so now well outside the period that you can legitimately consider. Since then, he has been nowhere near a card being brandished in his direction by a referee (sotto voce to Mr Page-Turner: bloody good job referees were too lax to pull him up for all those tackles where his arms appeared to be tied behind his back, ha ha ha!).

Panel Chairman, Mr Turner-Blindeye: A ban for a bad tackle on a Wasps player. But that’s why he’s up before us today. Does he have something against Wasps players?

Mr Fatfee QC: No, Mr Chairman (to Mr Page-Turner: apart from the fact that Wasps have twice put 60 points on the Fezzymen!!).

Mr Turner-Blindeye: The assault (sorry, hit, sorry, tackle) by Mr Foulplay in this case was, I have to say, one of the worst this Panel has ever seen. What do you say on that, Mr Fatfee?

Mr Fatfee QC: It’s true, Mr Chairman, that he nearly took the boy’s head off, and knocked him into next week. But the important thing to remember is that he didn’t mean it.

Mr Turner-Blindeye: Oh, well, that’s all right then.

Mr Fatfee QC: I turn to Mr Foulplay’s character. He is a man of the most upright character. For some reason, the Panel declined to hear from the director of rugby at Fezzymen RFC. I believe that it was felt that a character reference from that source might not be entirely impartial, a view which I have to say I struggle to comprehend (to Mr Page-Turner: they’ll be telling us next that old ursa frequently has a pony and trap in woodland surroundings). Nevertheless, you have heard from the most objective of character referees, Mr Edward Jones.

Mr Turner-Blindeye: Who was he again?

Mr Fatfee QC: Mr Chairman, Mr Jones is the Australian saviour of English rugby, sent to us to ensure the second coming of the Rugby World Cup. (To Mr Page-Turner: chance would be a fine thing!). Mr Jones gave an impeccable reference for Mr Foulplay, and I refute entirely the wicked suggestion that this is because he wants the boy available for his England team (to Mr Page-Turner: it also has nothing to do with Mr Foulplay being one of teacher’s pets so that, as long as Mr Jones is in charge, his inside backs will be Olds, Vauxhall and Foulplay, and don’t let anyone else think they’re going to get a look-in!). I would like to add, and I think you will agree that this is a clincher as a character reference, that Mr Foulplay was once seen helping an old lady to cross the road.

Mr Turner-Blindeye: Thank you, Mr Fatfee. We will now retire to consider our verdict.

[2 minutes later]

Mr Turner-Blindeye: We are dealing here with what is undoubtedly a top-range offence. The starting point sanction is accordingly a ban for 10 games. But this was an extremely dangerous and reckless action by Mr Foulplay, and we have no doubt that it warrants a ban considerably in excess of the starting point. A ban of 20 games is imposed. However, in light of the helpful two ha’pence worth provided by Mr Jones, and the wealth of other mitigating factors so excellently argued by Mr Fatfee QC, the ban is reduced to a penalty of attendance at an accounting course run for Fezzymen by the University of Barnet called “Compliance With The Salary Cap (Or Not)”.

[All rise.]

Re: The Rugby Disciplinary Panel in Action
Posted by: Buzzboy (IP Logged)
Date: 11 September, 2020 12:17

Bravo Monsieur Guepe! Formidable!

Re: The Rugby Disciplinary Panel in Action
Posted by: horusthewasp (IP Logged)
Date: 11 September, 2020 13:14

A wikileaks exclusive! grinning smiley

Re: The Rugby Disciplinary Panel in Action
Posted by: Dazthelion (IP Logged)
Date: 11 September, 2020 20:47

Excellent work

Re: The Rugby Disciplinary Panel in Action
Posted by: WONKYWASP1 (IP Logged)
Date: 12 September, 2020 20:27

Totally brilliant. Thank you so much. I shall re-read it but in my mind now there will be Messrs. Barker and Corbett as the main 'legal' eagles. You are so clever and sadly near to the truth I suspect.

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