In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is King

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By Tim (ex-girlie back)
November 13 2006

Saracens 22 – 16 Leicester When I offered to do this report, I threatened it would be one-eyed. No apologies, it is. I’m recording what I saw as a very partisan Saracens supporter, I make no apologies to Tigers supporters, or the parents of the ‘officials’ (used in the loosest sense).

There are at least two reasons to abuse the Tigers:
1. They are the Tigers, they exist to be abused;
2. They are the Tigers, and I despise them (well, they do normally beat us).
3. They are the Tigers, and I’ve now had well over a bottle of Chilean Carmenere to celebrate the 22-16 victory.

Today I’m not sure the Tigers turned up. Shorn of their disgraced England heroes (!) – yes, I was at Twickenham yesterday – Leicester came to town. They were their normal selves, infringing all over the place, even without the headliner thugs they normally field. However, they may have had Tigers’ on their chest, but these were not ‘top of the food chain big cats’, nowhere as fearsome or strong. More like Cheetahs (work it out!).

For the Fez faithful there is another acronym for ‘MTC’. It might normally mean ‘Mercurial Thomas Casteignede’; However, today, in my short-hand for this match, it came to mean ‘More Tigers Cheating’. To be, fair Leicester have developed an uncanny sense of ‘how to play the ref’, and they were given an unusually wide margin of infringement by the presence of Mr Maybank and his incompetent touch-stooges, who (and it has to be said) could all have been sponsored by SpecSavers. The stats show 12 penalties against Leicester, 9 against Saracens, but there were many, many more indiscretions not pinged.

Saracens should have won this game by half-time. Cheetahs had only 3 minutes of possession in Saracens half during the first half. The rest was a mix of Saracens attack lacking a proper cutting edge; determined (and on the edge of the laws) defence, and some incredulous refereeing decisions which left both sets of players frustrated and baffled at what was going on – but Tigers were better to adapt to conditions.

There were two incidents summing up the first half: one a highlight; the other typical of the cynical Cheetahs, but both representative of the myopic judiciary:
1. The Sarries try: The excellent De Kock (a great signing) put up a very high up & under and tried to regather it. He knocked-on in the attempt, caused by 2 white trolls not looking at the ball (Maybank and stooges missed it). The ball bounced into the hands of a following up Skirving, who shrugged off two more to slip it to Haughton who roared over with another orc on his back. 10-3 to Sarries, and joy for the Fez.
2. Post–try, Haughton, defending a narrow blindside, but not on, a ruck (in a rare Leicester foray into the Sarries half), was shamelessly and mercilessly flattened by a rampaging troll, totally off the ball. It was 2 yards from one of the Stooges, who missed/ignored* (* = delete as required) it. Haughton was left injured, and this led to his later substitution.

Burke and Jackson also kicked penalties – none were too remarkable. That made it 16-6 after a thoroughly dominant Sarries first half.

Cue the second half. Within 2 minutes a real Tiger entered the arena, ex-Sarrie Andy Goode, to rapturous boos from the Fez. Clearly Pat Howard had applied copious amounts of mustard to Leicester hind quarters, and we had a sustained period of Cheetahs attacks and dogged Sarries defence. However despite Goode and a good half-time bollocking they still displayed the intellectual dexterity and ambition of a greyhound – none more so than Varndell who ran very fast but laterally all afternoon – unlike Faz who headed into crash-ball regions full-on. Within 8 minutes De Kock was blatantly blocked off the ball by Leon Lloyd, who went to the bin. It was so obvious even Maybank couldn’t miss it. Glen converted = 19-6. That brought Ellis (once an England player) on, and just his second touch (for first see below) was to acquaint his head with Glen’s boot while trying to tackle GJ late – he went off for blood, not to return. Good riddance.

There followed some more Leicester pressure, interrupted by Goode starting to get a grip on the game, some booming touch kicks, plus some more random, bizarre refereeing decisions. This culminated with a series of penalties for Leicester in the Sarries 22, during which a quick penalty resulted in Goode ‘barrelling’ over for a Leicester try. 19-13.

However, two of the three landmark incidents of the half occurred either side of this:
1. At another peculiar infringement against Sarries, Ellis kicked the ball away. Goode and Cullen (who really does look like the troll in Harry Potter 1, yes the one with the wand up it’s nose) got in Maybank ear, and convinced him Sarries had infringed further – a further 10m penalty. This lead to the period of Leicester pressure and their try;
2. Hugh Vyvyan entered the fray. Clearly full of vim, vigour and (1) fed up at being left out in the first place, (2) aggrieved at having to watch the injustice being presided over by judge Maybank, launched a tackle on ex-Sarries Goode, which was so late it had last years Christmas paper still on it. True to form, Maybank and stooges missed it, or else there should have been another yellow.

Goode chipped another penalty after 62 minutes = 19-16, and getting tense. Leicester have a history of robbing games they should not win, Saracens of not putting away games they should already have won.

The last 10 minutes arrived, and with it the identity of the true sponsor of the referee. No, not SpecSavers, or Help the Aged, but Domino’s Pizza, and the 5-minute Mayhem. Now the owner of Domino’s is our own Nigel Wray. So why have this spectacle associated with Mr Maybank/Mayhem*? And if we were sponsoring him, what was he doing all game? However he gave us a strange decision on a Leicester scrum in their half, and GJ converted = 22-16.

However, more Tigers pressure – they sensed victory, but didn’t have the craft or guile to unlock the Sarries defence (praise Allah that Geordan Murphy wasn’t playing). They needed a try, and for the last 3 minutes they pounded the Saracens try-line. Brave and sometimes cynical defence (Sarries had caught on by now) prevented a score. However the defining moment came on the last play of the game. A quick tap penalty by Leicester, straight into a ruck, quick re-cycled ball and a white troll storming towards the line 2 metres out. Enter Tevita Viakona, who’d been causing trouble for Cheetah’s every time he’d come off his wing all game. He caught the rollicking troll, assisted by Fullarton (I think), held him, and made sure he had his body between the ball and the ground while over the line (HRHRH would have been proud) and under the posts. Mayhem blew time. End of game. Still 22-16 = relief! My M-O-T-M = the Chief for that moment. Welcome back!

Two footnotes:
1. One is left wondering how a set of officials could dominate a game so much. The only logical answer I can come up with is that they were either: incredibly ‘simple’; on drugs; or blind. I’m left with the latter. But I’ve written this, even though it’s one-eyed, so Saracens are kings.
2. Sarries line-out. My records show that Shane was 6 from 7. It started raining then and he then lost 2 in the next 3, overall 7 from 10 = not too bad. Leicester were 4 from 7. When Matt came on he was 5 from 5, even though one was fumbled and skilfully brought in by TMC. It was still raining. What has he done? At Twickers yesterday Mears came on for Chuter (who genuinely played well). Mears = rubbish throwing, and the only man who can stand up in the front row and it not get noticed. Why?

SCORERS: Saracens: Try: Haughton (18min). Conversions: Jackson. Penalty goals: Jackson 5 (10, 25, 40+5, 48, 78). Leicester: Try: Goode (62). Conversions: Goode. Penalty goals: Burke 2 (14, 33), Goode (67).

SCORING SEQUENCE (Saracens first): 3-0, 3-3, 10-3, 13-3, 13-6, 16-6 (half-time), 19-6, 19-13, 19-16, 22-16.

SARACENS: D Scarbrough; R Haughton (rep: R Penney, 46), K Sorrell, A Farrell, T Vaikona; G Jackson, N de Kock; K Yates, S Byrne (rep: M Cairns, 50), C Visagie, T Ryder (rep: H Vyvyan, 57), I Fullarton, K Chesney, P Gustard, B Skirving.

CHEETAHS: S Vesty; J Murphy, L Lloyd (sin-bin 56; rep: M Cornwell, 69), D Gibson, T Varndell; P Burke (rep: A Goode, 44), S Bemand (rep: H Ellis, 50-80); A Moreno, J Buckland, M Holford, L Cullen, L Deacon, B Deacon, S Jennings (rep: L Abraham, 57), J Crane.

Referee: R Maybank.

Attendance: 8,895.