Review of the Year 2005

Falcons qualify for the quarter-finals of the Heineken Cup by winning 24-22 in Perpignan, with all the points coming from the boot. The group is completed by a win against the Dragons, memorable only for an overheard comment on Sky from Stuart Barnes, safely ensconced at Welford Road. His opinion (that Jonny Wilkinson wouldn’t get into the Leicester reserve side) is laughed off by Tigers DoR John Wells. Just in case through, 15,000 turn up at Tigers’ next Extras game.

Falcons get the second seeding, and will face Northampton in the quarter-finals.

The away game at Saracens is moved again, having been confirmed as being on the Thursday night after Watford are drawn at home in the FA Cup. With Sky deciding to televise their game against Chelsea on the Friday night, Falcons’ visit is moved back again, this time to Wednesday lunchtime with a 12.17pm kick off. The crowd is the lowest in ZP history, at 514, but there is no noticeable reduction in atmosphere. Domino’s Pizza on Watford High Street draw a crowd of 10,000, however, as Mr Wilkinson is sent in to get the supplies for the journey home. Andrew blames the chip shop for being closed.

February

With games against Wasps, Leicester and Gloucester in the month, Rob Andrew is confident that the push for the championship playoffs will continue. Unlikely wins against the champions and champions-elect follow, as Stuart Barnes is proved right, as the most over-mentioned fly half in the history of the game scores all 30 points at Welford Road. The following week’s Rugby Club then slates Andy Robinson for not choosing Charlie Hodgson in the England team for the match in Dublin.

And whilst on England…Robinson’s woes continue as his centres continue to drop out injured. As a result, Jamie Noon comes into the team for the Six Nations matches against France and Ireland. A pair of tries in each match bring favourable press reports, and mentions of a possible Lions spot.

Plans are revealed to turn Steve Black’s autobiography into a BBC documentary. Blackie volunteers for the narrator’s role.

March

With Wilkinson and Noon otherwise occupied on England duty, Falcons go to Quins and come away empty handed. The Daily Mail sets a record by only mentioning Jonny 36 times in a quarter-page report.

Falcons announce plans to switch the Heineken quarter-final to St James Park. Unfortunately, the Toon are at home that weekend, but having committed to playing at St James’, a phone call to Exeter brings hope - until it’s pointed out that the Metro only goes as far south as South Hylton. Andrew blames the city council.

April

Cup fever hits Newcastle as Sky make a big thing of the all-English quarter-final. Thirty seconds of coverage later, they go back to rambling on about Bath (who failed to make it through). Barnes allegedly turns up at Kingston Park in five layers of clothing, before people realise that he’s that big anyway. A week after Easter Sunday, God rises again, as Matt Burke scores the try that takes Falcons into the semi-finals. His greatest fan spontaneously combusts…

The run continues after a win over Munster in Dublin that Barnes describes as “the greatest rugby match ever seen. Except for those including Leicester. Or Wasps. Oh, and Bath. That Simpson-Daniel will go far.” When Miles Harrison points out that James Simpson-Daniel plays for Gloucester, Barnes blames Dewi Morris for the error.

In the last home game of the season, a wildcard spot is secured with a win over London Irish. It’s the third season running that the two sides meet in the last game at Kingston Park, and Andrew blames the RFU. Elsewhere, Harlequins survive by the skin of their teeth, as Worcester take the biggest drop after failing to beat Northampton at home - this after Saints try and do everything in their power to relegate Quins as revenge for ten years previously, when Quins relegated them.

In the Powergen Cup, Northampton play Sale as neither team wants to win their first domestic trophy. After a 15-all draw, the RFU award the cup to Leicester, causing Martin Johnson to raise an eyebrow.

May

Falcons bank everything on winning the Heineken Cup, and field the development side in the semi-final against Sale at Edgeley Park. Falcons lose in extra time, and Andrew blames the ERC for having the nerve to arrange a cup final for the following week.

At Murrayfield, Falcons beat Tigers thanks to a last minute penalty from reserve fly half Joe Shaw, after Neil Back was penalised “for the transgressions of a lifetime in rugby“. Joe celebrates by producing a double back somersault with pike before landing in the third row of the North Stand. Barnes cries on live television. Andrew blames the cold weather.

Touchline is forced to admit that Rob Andrew is the Falcons’ Director of Rugby.

The Lions squad is finalised, with only one Falcon (Wilkinson J) in it. On being asked about the virtues of Newcastle’s Colin Charvis and Jamie Noon, Sir Clive Woodward says “Where?”

June

With the Lions tour in full swing, and the two sides sharing the first two tests, Woodward has a prop crisis on the morning of the third. The holidaying Micky Ward is pulled out of the crowd (ok, so it was the bar) to sit on the bench, and is called into action with ten minutes to go after Phil Vickery is pinged repeatedly for pushing in the scrum. With the Lions three points down in the closing seconds, Wallsend’s finest picks up from the base of the ruck, hands off Tana Umaga, and outsprints Joe Rokocoko over thirty metres to score what proves to be the winning try. Rokocoko is so traumatised that he retires with immediate effect from top class rugby. Saracens show an interest.

News breaks that Blackie’s autobiography is to be turned into a film. Colin Farrell gets the job of recreating Blackie’s life, with the man himself volunteering to play a bit part as Mathew Tait.

July

Back home, Rob Andrew announces the signing of “a renowned international prop”. With the supporters hoping for someone to fill the boots of Marius Hurter, Micky Ward is introduced as the new signing. When asked why he had signed one of his own players, Andrew says “I am committed to bringing the highest quality to Kingston Park and spreading the rugby message in the north east. And Micky was out of contract.”

Other signings include Ben Cohen and Radike Samo, the Aussie frustrated that he can’t get a game with the national side. Andrew announces plans to convert Epi Taione to fly-half.

August

More signings at KP. Carlos Spencer and Charlie Hodgson arrive at the club, with Andrew saying “you can’t have enough fly-halves”.

The pre-season friendlies bring foreign trips for Falcons, to Cardiff, Swansea and Llanelli, before a home game against Pertemps Bees. When asked why the Bees again, Andrew says that they were as close as he could get to Wasps before the first league game of the season.

Joe Shaw wins the European diving championships.

The RFU announces the new season structure, with the top twelve clubs playing off against each other after a 22 game season, saying “we see this as the fairest way to decide the title”.

September

In the game at newly promoted Bristol, Falcons field a backline with seven players who’ve played fly-half. Problems develop when, with a two point deficit near the end, Burke, Wilkinson, Walder, Spencer, Hodgson, Shaw and Taione all drop into the pocket for the drop goal. Andrew blames the quality of the pasties.

Blackie leads the singing at the Last Night of the Proms, and promptly gets the role of Roxie Hart in Chicago.

October

The defence of the Heineken Cup starts badly, when the kick off for the game against Benetton Treviso is delayed due to trouble finding Benetton on the map. That game, and the one against Castres at home are won. Andrew blames Paul Volley for being on the wrong side.

League form remains indifferent, but Andrew remains confident that the championship can still be won. “Even though we’re tenth, we can still creep into the top three. We’re a good cup side, the playoff format helps us”.

November

In the run up to the Autumn internationals, Stuart Barnes calls for Andy Goode to be the new England fly-half. “He’s experienced, he’s used to playing big games with Harry Ellis, Leicester are the new Gods of English rugby, and most importantly he doesn’t play for Newcastle. Now pass the claret.” Wilkinson kicks England to victory over Australia and South Africa. “He’s still not the player he was”, trills Barnes.

Mathew Tait wins his first England cap, in the outside centre position vacated by Jamie Noon.

Blackie wins Rear of the Year.

December

To cap his year, Blackie wins Sports Personality of the Year, a National Comedy Award, and is knighted for services to opera. Andrew blames the Queen. Falcons maintain their good form in Europe, winning home and away against Munster, becoming the first English club to win in Europe at Thomond Park.

Matt Burke announces plans to extend his contract at Kingston Park, saying “Why aye, it’s reet great ere, pass the broon ale”. Micky Ward complains that he doesn’t understand him.

Andrew blames himself for losing in the Powergen Cup sixth round, and stands down as DoR to resume his playing career. “We need a new prop”.

Touchline spontaneously combusts.