Our resident tree hugger asks you all to go chill.
.
By Reg Guheert
May 22 2002
Dear all, I am deeply perturbed by recent events in our cosmic cyber family. Usually our mutual appreciation of Rugby football, a brutally aggressive sport that I find wonderfully cathartic, leads us to a smiley happy nirvana but this week it has all gone sadly Pete Tong.
. This has taken me to the conclusion that I need to suggest ways in which we can alleviate our negative feelings and get back to the jolly banter, particularly with our friends with the loose association to the emerald isle. (And not so loose link with the High Veldt and the Home Counties) Western medico-legal complexities do not permit me to recommend the following actions just mention them. If indeed you are at the Archer-Ryan end of the aggro spectrum, please contact your GP or alternatively turn off your PC and sit in a dark room! I have made best use of the information super highway to bring you unconventional advice to restore our banterous balance! Nothing here is made up, I actually found it all!!!!
My first search discovered chill pills! Yes some herbal remedies, not the sort readily available in the Amsterdam café bars, but some real old honest to goodness relaxants, that’ll have you saying in no time: "I miss that Armadillo chap, I wonder what happened to him?"
Mother Earth recommends Hawaiian Kava to reduce stress levels read for yourself at: http://www.motherearthnews.com/health/health177.farmacy.shtml
Another herbal remedy is pitta, not the stuff you awful flesh munchers rap whatever it is they’re passing for kebab meat in and then coat in garlic mayonnaise, thousand island and chilli and barbecue sauce to disguise the taste. Why bother? I say just have a Quorn burger, they taste nice before 8 pints of organic ale and you won’t have the bad karma of death by a thousand cows to deal with in the afterlife. Any way this pitta stuff is traditional herbal anger management remedies so have a look at:
http://www.ayurveda-herbs.com/15b.htm
Another avenue to discover whilst we waltz through Alternatives-Ville is crystal healing. This technique will not I fear be much use to the unspoken ones as it is against their core values, yes I’m talking about Tibetan singing bowls. The Tibetan monks apparently used these little beauties and just a few minutes a day will restore your inner balance, see for yourself at:
http://discoverthesound.com/sys-tmpl/door/
Another crystal that perhaps will be more popular with our over the border brothers is T….T….T….T….T….I can’t say it oh erm….big stripy cat eye. This gemstone that claims to promote inner calmness. I suppose we could all use some of that especially when faced with some slanderous refereeing again check it for yourself at:
http://www.apathtowholeness.com/Tiger_Eye.htm (I’m very sorry about the T word in that link!)
Perhaps appropriate healing crystals for our current situation are Apache’s Tears. These bits of obsidian are mythologically described as the tears of Apache women for their fallen warriors. They are supposed to shield the wearer from negative energy and are also said to allow us to change our flaws to strengths often with humour and spontaneity. Apache Tears all round then!
http://www.apathtowholeness.com/Apache_Tears.htm
Another route away from the spite and vitriol might be anger management, traditionalists, such as Rich the psychiatric student nurse, might also tout this. Anger busters dot com (again I’m truly not making this up,) promote the ABC’s of ABSTAINING, BELIEVING and COMMUNICATING. Find them at: http://www.angerbusters.com/
Without the swear filter to protect us from naughty words and unnecessary language perhaps a few of us should enrol at the Cuss Control Academy and no Saint Ian they do not advocate the use of @ instead of a to cleverly disguise foul vocabulary. Their aim is to help individuals or groups to eliminate or reduce their use of profanity, vulgarity and offensive slang:
And then there are Dr. Albright’s top ten tips for managing anger, conflict and emotional tension, I suspect she discusses them with Dick Solomon every night! Rather poignantly she describes how using e-mails and chat rooms are not the place for negative feelings, apparently what feels like a bomb electronically can seem like a feather when delivered by person. Ahhhhh my friends the road to enlightenment draws close, we have a reason why things get heated and the wrong end of the stick is frequently grasped on our very own message board. Perhaps if Stockers had told the borders rugby community in person that Netherdale was a gluepot and Galashiels a blott on the landscape in person they would have invited him round for lentil stew and a wee dram from a workers co-operative distillery. Check Dr. Albright out at:
http://www.selfgrowth.com/product1.html
Finally I get to my personal path to enlightenment: Tree Hugging. Us tree huggers have a had a bad press, but I tell you if the RFU/ERL spent a little time caressing sycamores in SW London they might see the error of their ways and allow positive feelings towards Rotherham to enter their hearts. The usual criticism is levelled at us by cynical old comics such as in Room 101 where we were described as: "Weirdly Beardy Smoky Tree Hugging Scabby Rich Old B*****s. Most unfair as I don’t think Rich is really that scabby, especially not since the visit to the clinic. Read the ill considered views here:
http://www.dooyoo.co.uk/review/365699.html
For a more positive viewpoint visit this site:
http://www.bliss2000.com/Blisseng/hugtree.htm
Learn the power of tree hugging and detailed directions on how to hug a tree properly. Once you’ve read this there will be a queue for the grand old arboreal features at the lake end of FG, so that we can all feel positively charged by mother nature before each home game.
So there you have it! Many ways to promote inner calmness and restore our senses of humour. Friendships with our Celtic cousins will be restored and all hatred can be nicely channelled into the vessel of doom and gloom aka pooh corner.
May the Saints forever by powered by the forces of Mother Nature
(like that frost I whipped up at Bristol in December-oops I shouldn’t have told you that!)
Reg