Six Nations on C4 could mean 'Big Bother'!
C4
By Saint Square Eyes
June 16 2002
The Observer reports this morning that Channel4 may be about to put a bid in to televise next seasons Six Nations. However here at ComeOnYouSaints.Com we can exclusively reveal that before C4 meet the asking price they have asked for certain changes in the structure of the competition to take place.
A top secret internal C4 document has fallen into our hands and quite frankly the proposals astound us.
Are they trying to destroy the very fabric of our game?
They are as follows:
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To:Channel 4 Steering Committee
Re: Proposal Six Nations Rugby
For your eyes only. Highly Confidential
Dear all.
Just had a further chat with the rugby types in West London and they have agreed to certain changes in the structure of their rugby competition if we meet their asking price.
Benefits not only for the sport but the whole of Channel4 into the bargain.
Your views please by Wednesday I'm taking a group of 57 from the RFU to lunch at the Groucho then.
Proposals:
1: The Six Nations is to be split into two 'Rich & Poor' divisions. Placing will be decided in a task where the six participating coaches singing as many verses as they know of Eskimo Nell. The top three coaches with the most verses teams will form the 'Rich' division . The three dullards teams are confined to the poor division. This task will be shown live on the new C4 programme called 6N Graham Norton.
(It is understood that Englands Clive Woodward has already set up a two month long fact finding mission to Alaska to research his entry)
2: Further tasks will then be issued after each round of games to secure teams standing for the next round. (See below)
2: When a Rich team plays a Poor team the Poor team must play in skins and wear plimsolls and those shorts that your PE teacher used to keep stashed away for when you forgot your kit. The Rich team also reserves the right, if they are losing, to up sticks and take their ball home at any time during the game.
Possible charitable sponsorship possibilities here - Oxfam, Save the Whale etc etc
3: After the game the Poor team will not be allowed to change, shower or attend any post match function. Instead they will be despatched to the appropriate car park where they will be issued with a bag of charcoal, a box of matches and a bag of lentils.
4: After each round of games all teams must nominate one other team to be evicted from the Big Brother Hou………..sorry that should read Six Nations Championship. Wales please note, you cannot, I repeat not, nominate yourself however much you feel put down.
5: The general public will then vote for a 'winner' out of the two countries with the most nominations.
This will done by phone on a quite reasonable £2.50 a minute premium line. (All proceeds to the Entertainment Committee at the RFU)
The team with the highest number of votes will then be kicked out of the 6N competition on the Friday before the next scheduled games by the delightful Davina McCall live to nation.
6: The team who were due to play the evictees the following day will instead take part in a special 6N XV to One with William G Stewart live from the Millennium Stadium.
7: On the Tuesday following a round of games the cast of Brookside will broadcast live to the nation the next 6N task for teams Rich or Poor status. These will, following time honoured rugby clubhouse traditions (so I'm told by Nigel and Rupert at the RFU), be as follows:
Round 1: Buzz (elimanation one by one)
Round 2: Bunnies (as above)
Round 3: A Boat Race (amount of liquid spilt to count against)
Round 4: The Dance of the Flaming ******* (time spent burning to count for)
Round 5: Bar Diving (size does matter!)
These tasks, as with the initial task, are to be broadcast live on 6N Graham Norton and will of course determine the countries standing in the next round of the Six Nations Championship.
(Please note after negotiation (again with Nigel & Rupert)England are exempt from entering the Poor division as Mrs Healy refuses to allow her boy Austin to play in skins and it was advisable to keep Mr Dallaglios lad Lol away from matches.)
8: We must ensure that no matter how much the contest is to their dislike the Scottish team must not escape the competition by climbing out over the Murrayfield roof and running away.
9: On the final weekend of games when we have two 6N finalists left they will forsake the rugby match for a 15 man a side version of Countdown live from Twickenham. Richard Whiteley and Carol Vorderman doing the honours while Fran Cotton has graciously agreed to be a Dick in the Corner.
The whole thing will have a rugby flavour with the numbers round replaced by 'Guess Leicesters Wage Cap' and the conundrum being for example 'Dawson or Bracken at Scrumhalf, Where do you stand?'.
The winners of this final competition will then be awarded the Six Nations trophy by the casts of the Sopranos and Sex in the City who we will have flown in especially for the occasion. The losers, in the car park of course, will be given their losers medals by a junior vet from Pet Rescue.
As a grand finale we have an evening extravaganza lined up hosted by that chap from Frasier where we all wave off the winning team at Heathrow to spend a fortnight on the Shipwrecked island with just the female cast of Hollyoaks (and our hidden cameras of course) for company.
I think you will agree these are exciting times for sport on Channel4.
Lets make it happen.
Regards
Eric Blair
Controller in Chief Channel4
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(PS: If you haven't been watching Big Brother, apologies, you won't have have clue what we are on about..........Chris)