A letter from my Mam

Pete's Mam
By Peter Kennedy
December 28 2005

The other day I was rummaging around in the loft trying to extricate the box of Christmas baubles without loosing contact with my step ladder or being overwhelmed by an avalanche of the sort of rubbish that must be stored because it will be useful “ one day “ when I came across an old faded manila envelope.

 

 

It even had  a stamp on it but it was one showing the old kings head .  Interesting I thought and descended the ladder  with the said box of baubles and the envelope between my teeth.

 

 

Having handed over the  decorations box to those who delight in hanging silly shining things on murdered trees  I retired to my study to investigate the mysterious envelope.   I re examined the exterior carefully again.  In addition to the stamp bearing the head of George VI  it was also postmarked  - I could just make it out  - Newport , Mon.

 

Now I was curious  and carefully opened the envelope in side were several sheets of Basildon bond blue - feint lined paper covered in the careful almost girlish handwriting that I recognised as my late mothers.

 

This is what it said.

 

 

Dear Son -  this will come as surprise to you but as it’s the New Year coming up we up here get special privileges. (did she mean the loft I thought  - no of course - “ up here “ means - well  “ up there “   if you see what I mean)

 

We are allowed to send a message to someone downstairs . So I chose you because I’m worried about you.  You have been keeping bad company again  and  mixing with what our Mam (my grandmother) used to call “ corner boys “ .

 

Its no good pretending that its all just a bit of fun and all having silly names instead of your real ones .   What is wrong with the names that your  parents gave you I want to know  - and some of those your friends use are quite rude too. Tell that OSB  that  he shouldn’t worry about his condition and an operation can help to restore their shape.

 

and you shouldn’t ever have let that Paul Shaddick  entice you into his  drinking den  - nasty dark little place isn’t it.   It really is the end you know when grown men sneak out on a Friday with no tea  to drink strong beer. Its no excuse to say that you go there to talk about rugby.  You can do that  without resorting to drink. And some of the people  you meet there -  That David Lowrence is no better that he ought to be  - don’t think it isn’t noticed up here that he is always going to Germany . Why you may ask. I hesitate to use the word spy but it makes you think.  Paul Flatt - well he’s another one - your Aunt Amanda  (oh no not her-  my sister and I lived in terror of being taken to see her) always said that only people with something to hide grow beards.

 

Anyway in future  try and avoid these sorts  there are nice people about who you can talk about rugby with.  They dress  in sheepskin coats with Labradors   who vote Church of England too.

 

Now then as you are all obsessed with rugby (couldn’t you take up a nice hobby like stamp collecting )  I’ll tell you a few secrets which we get to know about before anyone down there.

 

 

 

First of all be nice to the English. Since they lost their empire  they are very sensitive  and that Eiffion Jones is very cruel  to keep baiting them like he does.  He reminds me of a rent man we once had when we lived in Pill   (a part of Newport renowned in the fifties for low life and poverty)

 

Just remember that the English are always fair minded, if a bit posh  and are not like us at all.  After all the Queen is English isn’t she  and I hope that you have got over that nasty communist  phase you went through  and  have learned your lesson.

 

So where was I  - oh yes be nice to the English because they are not going to do very well in the internationals  this year. This is because everyone else will cheat by running faster than them.

 

Now about your team The Saints  - I hope that means that all go to church regularly and are  decent young men  not tarnished by drink and  the sort of filth  that abounds  nowadays.

 

Well they will get better  starting with the game against Bristol  - as you know our Mam didn’t like Bristol people  - said they are sly like butchers dogs one eye shut and the other on the meat and I see no reason to  disagree . So your players must be very careful and count their change after every tackle.

 

It must be  a worry though to have so many Irish in the team  - they cant be relied on you know  - very superstitious  with their candles and rosaries and you have only got to turn your back and they clear off  and your driveway is left unfinished.

 

The New Zealand  boys seem to be a nice lot  though  except for that Carlos Spencer  - he has got a motor bike and tattoos  which is never a good sign. I remember being very worried when you had a bike but at least you didn’t have a tattoo done.

 

Anyway things will get better although I am not allowed to give too much away or that WellSaint will take advantage at the bookies  - but I can give you some clues.

 

I can see a dark clouds over High Wycombe and someone whose name begins with P  - could be Paul will be very happy.

 

Well I must close now as they are calling us for harp practice and remember to listen for Gods words  - She doesn’t talk to just anybody especially that George bush  - and she is Welsh speaking.

 

Love Mam.