So you want to play League?

Pyjama Shirt
By RedSaint
December 29 2005

So you want to play League? That's no bad thing. With almost guaranteed possession I've always been a big advocate of the merits of pyjama rugby's use as a training game.

A team consists of 13 players; of these 7 are props and 6 are centres. The smallest, most chimplike player is nominally called the scrum-half.

 

So League has less players than Union, that’s one difference, but it is also a higher scoring game. This is because it has a highly complex scoring system. I thought you might find my experience with the game helpful, so I've outlined the more important laws below.

 

A. Kit

 

§1.1.    One point is awarded for every centimetre the shorts end above knee height.

 

§1.2.    Points are awarded for kits with diamond or triangle patterns.

 

§1.3.  Points are awarded for having the type of plunging neckline favoured by extraneous fat orange Bacardi Breezer slappers. (See also §3.2)

 

§1.4.    Points are awarded for each sponsor on the shirt.

 

§1.41.  Extra points are awarded if one of these sponsors is Aldi or Netto.

 

§1.5.   Shirts made of cotton do not score points. Shirts made out of Lycra, polyester or an acrylic compound, however, do.

 

 

B. Ground

 

 

§2.1.   Points are awarded for each Greasy Spoon burger wrapper on the pitch

 

§2.2.   Points are awarded for every degree above 10°C the ground's bar sells ale at.

 

§2.3    Points are also awarded for the beer's strength. A point being given for every whole percentage point below 5% alcohol by volume.

 

§2.31. Extra points are earned by any team whose ground is named after a  construction company.

 

 

 

 

 

C. Fans

 

 

§3.1    An extra point is given for each Lycra-clad peroxide haired (roots must be clearly visible) cellulite-ridden cheerleader over the age of 40 trying to inject life into the crowd by dancing the Macarena.

 

§3.2    Points are awarded for the average weight of women in the crowd. One point   for every kilo over ninety.

 

§3.21  Extra points can be awarded for every Leeds United football shirt in the crowd   t the referee's discretion.

 

§3.3    One point is given for every 10,000 pies consumed in the Balfour Beatty Café.

 

§3.4.   The town's unemployment percentage is added onto their team's score at the final whistle.

 

 

 

D. Players

 

 

§4.1.    In a recent trend reversal 10 points are awarded for every failed union player on the pitch. 20 points if this player's name is Iestyn. As of the summer 25  points if his name is Henry Paul, 50 if it is Andy Farrell.

 

§4.2.    Teams earn points for every Australian on the pitch. Teams fielding less than 10 'Roos forfeit the game.

 

§4.3.    Points are earned in accordance with a teams' average annual cumulative days behind bars for fights in nightclubs.

 

 

 

E. Tackling & Skills

 

 

§5.1.      Points are awarded for every missed tackle in favour of the would-be tackler.

 

§5.2.      One on one tackles are illegal in League.

 

§5.21.    Points are awarded for every additional player needed to stop the man with

              the ball.

 

§5.3.      Points are awarded corresponding to the point of contact of the tackle.

§5.31.    Level with the jaw;                1 point

§5.32.    Level with the nose;              2 points

§5.33.    Around the neck;                  3 points

§5.331.  Extra points can be awarded for full-on straight-arm clotheslines.

§5.4.      Points are also earned by taking into account how you tackle.

§5.41.    With the arms;                                 0 points

§5.42.    With no arms (Gridiron style);          1 point

§5.43.    With an elbow to the face;               5 points

 

§5.5.      For every 'body pop' (a successful completion of raising the ankles, the arse  and the shoulders  in  quick  succession) a tackled player manages to make under a tackler's body the tackled player's team receives a point.

 

§5.51     This is not homoerotic – League players don’t spend all the game avoiding physical contact as much as possible only to have an orgiastic few seconds of wry fiddling and searching for climax on top of each other at tackle time.

§5.52     (Amendment of §5.51) Er actually, yes, they do.

 

§5.6       Players must boast non-stop about their superior tackling and defence, but   during the game are required to miss every one-on-one tackle and concede   several tries to simple drift patterns of attack.

 

§5.7.      Players should be able to pass in only one direction, if at all.

 

§5.71.    If you are a League ‘star’ then you may be allowed to turn around and throw   a pass whilst facing backwards to wow the crowds with your magician’s  hands.

 

§5.8.      Forward passes are allowed providing a try ensues. (A cross-code law jointly developed with the Welsh and French Rugby Unions)

 

 

 

F. Conduct

 

 

§6.1.   Points are awarded for every 10 haymakers thrown during the game.

 

§6.2.   Points are also awarded every time more than 5 players from one team are          involved in any one incident of 'handbags'.

 

§6.3.   Points are awarded for calling the referee a 'foo***g c**nt'.

 

 

G. Teams & Franchises

 

 

§7.1.   Teams are only permitted from dank conurbations. Teams from stand-alone towns must bribe the Superleague with Fray Bentos by the truckload to meet   the entrance criteria (see Workington, Castleford, etc.)

 

§7.2.   Teams are required to have a ridiculous and uninspiring (preferably monosyllabic – it’s more marketable) sobriquet, preferably referring to some  mildly-threatening animal.

 

§7.3.      All effort is to be made by the League to keep an unpopular, unwanted, unsupported, incapable team in London afloat, no matter what percentage of  treasury funds such an operation commands, in a desperate attempt to call League a 'nationwide' ‘sport’.

 

 

H. Tries

 

§8.1.     A try is awarded when a player successfully inserts his finger into an opposition player's anus on the field of play.

 

§8.2.    A conversion is deemed successful if a second finger finds its way in. (For any confusion on Section H simply do a Google search for John Hopoate)

 

 

 

I. Man of the Match

 

 

§9.1.     The Man of the Match is the player found least attractive to the advertising  board of Colgate.

 

§9.11.   After the game the captain presents him with his laurels. This is otherwise  known as "The Stones Bitter Doorstep Challenge" and said player must then  insert the orange can of northern horsepiss into his anus.

 

J. "The Man of Steel"

 

§10.1   The man of steel must repeat §9.11. with the can placed sideways.

 

 

K. Sky Sports

 

 

§11.1       Sky Sports must continually reassert Northern ne’er do wells in red brick terraces (or grey if you’re in Cumbria) with plastic wood walling and nothing to live for except Bingo and Thursday evening line dancing that:

 

§11.11     The game of League is in a state of never before seen health.

 

§11.12     No player in league would relish the internationalism of Union and those that do aren’t going for the money or the increased competition, rather because they have ‘nothing else to do in league’.

 

§11.13     The popularity of the game is expanding at a rate of which Bernard Manning’s gut could be proud.

 

§11.14    Paul Sculthorpe has replaced Johnny Wilkinson as the middle-class teenage- girl’s pin-up of choice countrywide.

 

§11.2       This must all be broadcast from a 0230 time slot on Sky Sports 3

 

L. Betting

 

§11.1     Betting against your own team to lose given insider information is perfectly  acceptable if you are one of the four acknowledged half-decent players RL has. If you’re not one of them, expect the wrath of God.

 

M. Translations