The Full Monty II - Falcons (H)

By Montague Masters
February 7 2006

In the second of our new series we look back to see what Monty made of Newcastle Falcons visit to FG in September 2005...

 

SAINTS 9 - FALCONS 16

So the Falcons of Newcastle entered the shining gladiatorial arena that is our very own Franklins Gardens without the necessary embrocation and sticking plaster to hold poor old Johnny together. How fitting though that they brought Charvis and Finnegan two magnificent beasts to the former amusement park and zoo. Perhaps the former Zurich Premiership champions finally have some forwards to go with backs like Stephenson, May, Noon, Taione, Walder, Tait and Lyle.

The thirty thousand true Saints supporters who packed into the ground had come to see the World’s greatest ever fly half, a man they call King Carlos. The sun shone fiercely as if the good Lord himself had made a gap in the clouds to keep an eye on proceedings. Thankfully the Northampton sound system, the loudest that money can buy, drowned out that ridiculous song.

Yet again the pack was a cause for concern, only Tom Smith in the front row enabled the Northampton eight to reach the average age of 14 and average weight of 11 stones when drenched to the core. Indeed one player had a note from his Mum saying he wasn’t to have the orange smarties in his post match recovery as he was likely get a tad hyper. The player revolt of midweek had been remedied by providing all known Haribo products.

The horror show continues as first it took Lardy 1:58 seconds to lay into King Carlos. Before he'd even looked at a ball Wally was labelled as having an “Achilles hand”. Then the final insult, the cameras twice focussed on the great unwashed and two of the biggest sinners in the hygiene department Chris and Ajack were far too prominent. 

Unknown to all of Northampton the Falcons, formerly known as Newcastle Garforth, have this year employed the services of a witch. Unfortunately for them she’s not too reliable and so forgot to cast any spells for their first two games. In fact it wasn’t until Rob Andrew sent a 'hex text' after five minutes today that she did her dark deed. 

The evil magic rendered the line out useless and severely disrupted the thinking ability the men in Gold, Black and Green. On the floor they completely forgot the sport they were playing and at times resorted to Greco-Roman wrestling. Paul Grayson is currently checking his coaching manual for the counter spell to ‘fumble fingers.’

In the post match interview Budge was heard to say that midweek training would take place at Alton Towers and all supporters were welcome to come along for the ride.

A Mr. R. Domestos formerly of Gloucester and Wales also stated that Saints would win next week, he’d seen it in the stars. He also predicted that Wales would marmelise England at HQ as his good friend and rugby expert Effin Jones had told him so ... let's see how that one pans out.