The Twickenham Protocols - Destroy when read
Mata Hari
By Mata Hari
June 18 2006
The following is a secret document that sets out the real thinking behind the RFU reforms. It is a comprehensive agenda which will result in world domination by the RFU.
It has come to us at great risk and involved our agents hanging about in bars - being forced to consume more alcohol than is good for them and wearing makeup.
It should be noted that we were not able to obtain a complete copy and some pages were ruined by Guinness stains and other fluids
Mission Statement - The RFU exists to promote confusion , inconsistency and frustration throughout the rugby world in the ensuing chaos total domination by team England will be achieved by stealth and deception.
The Executive Committee - shall consist of men in blazers or suits their primary function shall be to make public contradictory statements about anything and everything. No person displaying common sense , professionalism or with relatives from Yorkshire will be allowed to be a member of the EC.
Head Coach - shall be a
. and will have specific duties relating to
..as well as undertaking
.. from time to time. The EC shall keep an updated list of persons who would never ever consider for the position . This list will be used to form the basis of rumours of the next coach - who will replace the current coach etc.
Relations with other unions - the only function of other unions is to provide opponents for games at Twickenham and thereby to produce income and provide excuses for the EC members to attend dinners.
Nevertheless it is useful for all concerned to take note of the RFU attitude towards specific unions.
Australia and New Zealand - beating these unions into submission is a primary objective.
South Africa - a useful entity but not to be taken seriously due to their continuing tendency to self destruct - keep in with them in case we ever need to arrange a new competition to replace Europe ( see below )
Argentina - of no real significance other than being used to fill the third slot in the Autumn internationals - See also Samoa , Fiji , Tonga , Canada Romania.
It is noted that England always beat these teams by large margins - this is good for morale and helps to maintain good relations with HSBC Citibank Barclays The Stock Exchange and other major contributors to our corporate package.
The Celtic unions - if we could we would abolish them. however mature reflection indicates that every one needs enemies ( see below The French ) Therefore RFU policy will be to seek to undermine them at every turn.
In order of priority officials and commentators will seek to subvert and denigrate
The Welsh - visceral hatred should be encouraged
The Scots - studied sympathy is called for here - but their recent improvements may lead to a review of our seemingly tolerant attitude.
The Irish - are a pain - they are always happy and are getting too good - the best approach is to doubt their existence. Militant agnosticism as to the existence of Irish rugby will be employed. ( If they dont exist then they cannot possibly have beaten England )
Others
The Italians humour will be used here - patronise at every opportunity ( references to world war two, however historically inaccurate will be permitted )
The French - are the real enemy. This is because they have been known to play rugby making use of their backs and generally throwing the ball about - simply put they are guilty of entertainment
THE CLUBS - these people do not know their place . The objective is to create regional franchises under RFU management for example there will be five teams -
The Western ( Bath Gloucester and and
.. ) The Middle - Leicester and that other one ; London ( Wasps and Harlequins ) Mr Rob Andrews XV ( Newcastle and some of his friends ) Thames Valley - ( Saracens and Reading )
The new clubs will all play their games at Twickenham ( a reduced programme is called for ) thus maximising revenue for the RFU. Existing club stadia will be either sold off or used for pop concerts
Overseas Players - will be discouraged see referees
Referees - will be given a list of England players and will under no circumstances card or discipline these players.
Referees will take a firm attitude to overseas players -
cards will be issued for " looking at me in a funny way " - for example
Overseas players will be forbidden to speak to each other , the referee or any other player during a match.
Interim Arrangements - It is recognised that we will not achieve all of these objectives at once and therefore the following interim arrangements will be adopted
(1) The use of red cards will be //////////////zxyt -
(2) A statue of Sir Claive woorward will be erected at every club ground
(3) Mr John Redwood MP will be appointed to oversee our withdrawal from Europe.
(4) The Millennium stadium will be
..by a team of highly trained
(6) Sven Goran Ericson will be approached
(12 ) A new cup competition for English registered players will be introduced it will be known as the Anglo Anglo cup.
The Manuscript ends here